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First of all I just wanted to thank everybody who sent such beautiful and heartbreaking messages about my mum but also about her celebration and also who shared some of their own incredibly painful stories of loss. I am not currently in a position to be able to reply sometimes even to my own friends. Death and witnessing death, particularly if it was not peaceful has a way of making one rather mute -and I feel very remiss in the weeks following being the only person in the room watching my mother die ,becoming virtually catatonic and immobilised and unable to thank people for their messages .I will get around to it as I become hopefully stronger and if you are one of those people who is feeling upset at me for my silence, please know that it’s global and not personal and I could not appreciate the support more. I have had to take down the little films I made of my mother‘s funeral and celebration because of some extremely abusive messages I received that I’m just not really robust enough to be dealing with around such a precious and tender subject right at the moment .But I also wanted to share that I have read a lot of books during these last couple of years and “The Orphaned Adult”by Alexander Levy is by far the most helpful and it stands alone because obviously losing one’s parents is inevitable-(I did start that journey rather younger than most at the age of five and I have had the experience of sudden death, very young, and a dragged out Illness that in fact was not what killed my mother later in life )and this is the only book I am aware of that speaks so potently to the experience of being suddenly an adult orphan, which most people brush over as the natural order of things but could not feel less natural or orderly. So I just wanted to make sure that anyone in this position who is suffering and feeling that they perhaps shouldn’t because everyone around them keeps banging on about inevitability and this is the age where it happens and blah blah blah, this book is sensitive and poetic and in those bleak weeks and months following, when one is living one’s life in 10 minute increments it provides a balm, and balm is hard to come by. Much love.X

Dearest MamaThe fact that you have had to have a funeral at all is wrong and ludicrous . You are the biggest lover of life, the most energetic, the most vital , the most joyous.The only mandate you gave me over the years was that you wanted a celebration of your life and that no one was to wear black so no one did . What I did not anticipate, particularly the night before the funeral where I got two hours sleep on a hard sofa and very much considered not being able to attend because I was afraid I couldn’t handle it ,was that someone would be able to have a funeral that was so full of love and happiness and joy, which is all because of you and who you are and what you brought. You are a bridge builder, a hoarder of love, an archiver of precious ,history ,of respect for years of friendship and my God that showed..I think the hardest thing I have ever had to do was say goodbye to you and I haven’t managed it yet, I still reach for my phone in the early hours of the morning to text you and then realise that I won’t get a response. The funeral and the party which I will not call a wake afterwards,and which I very much feel you attended in some vaporous way blew the fucking roof off Chiswick House .Everybody danced -from the age of 3 to their mid 80s. Your school friends attended, my school friends attended, Lily‘s school friends attended. The love you inspired ,quietly and generously was awe-inspiring and still is.I will never get over the lump of cement in my stomach that I have instead of you. Hopefully, I will learn to carry it better than I am currently carrying it which is clumsily and not well. But what you left me was a coterie of extraordinarily brilliant people who, if and when I am ever up to it, I know will provide me a soft place to land. At the moment I am so blindsided and devastated that it is safer for me to be on my own but I know from your funeral that the relationships you nurtured so carefully over the years are there for me too and that is another part of your generosity that will live on. I love you, Mama. You are in my blood. You are in my bones ,you are in my heart ,broken or not you are there. I love you so much.📷@noelmyeo

I don’t want to post this. I am only posting this because I have had to register my mother‘s death certificate and it will soon become public record. She died the night of July 15th in my arms after immeasurable suffering. I have not picked all the best photos, nor the best videos, because I cannot bear to go through my camera roll yet. I deeply apologise to any of her friends who are finding out this way or through the press, but I cannot go through her phone . I am paralysed. Jude was the compass of my life ,the love of my life, my dearest friend. The vastness and huge heart of this tiny woman has touched so many people who love her dearly.She has been brave in so many ways, forgiving sometimes too much , believing in the ultimate good in people - and the world is so dim without her that it is nearly impossible to bear . Mama, I love you so much. This has been my greatest fear since finding my father dead at five and I am here. Oh my Mama.. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I am so sorry.

When my mum was 14, she was in a harmony group with her best friends Mary, Sylvia, (known as Fuzzy to this day because of an unfortunate perm decades ago )and Chris. Mary unfortunately is no longer with us but up until very recently even though they are in their now late 70s they would get together and still absolutely kill it. I am a very poor substitute not being a very good singer but I want my mum’s dearest and oldest friends in her hospital room with her ,so Fuz and Chris, please know I’m trying to keep the Four Teens going as best as I can from a distance and I love you both and how much support and love you are sending and it is a mark of my mother’s extraordinary capacity for love and deep respect for relationship history that her friendships with her early school friends are still so very current. Love you all but most especially my mum. X and apologise to anybody in the hospital subject to my dreadful singing. 🤍

Cheers

@joe_rome , lovely Desiree and @bscan came over with torches and we searched and searched and searched for seven hours, and I will admit I really thought she was dead and then suddenly Brendan turned into Magnum PI because we had some video of her at 6 o’clock on the house camera with me outside looking for her and her unbeknownst to me, running away like it was a game – anyway she had gotten under this massively sharp cactus and then I guess the sprinklers came on and she just freaked and frozen and scared of getting torn apart by the spines and it was too prickly for her to dare to get out so we’ve gone past at least 100 times but my god you guys she’s alive ..I was so sure she was dead excuse my tiny eyes in this picture I’m sobbing but I cannot wait for my daughter to wake up and see this. Thank you so much to everybody who gave a shit it really means a lot and to see my actual SWAT team of incredible people that came over at such a dark hour I feel so lucky to have had that. The day had already been quite shit actually so this was really the icing on the cake, but my God they came through. I feel so lucky and blessed. Thank you so much thank you so much.

June 9-15 is Carer’s week in the UK. While looking after an elderly,sick or disabled relative is instinctive for many , even the most committed face enormous physical , emotional and financial struggles . It is emotionally draining to live in a constant state of worry, on top of the inevitable change in relationship with someone previously independent and well. Trying to work and manage care is an almost impossible struggle ,particularly if one has no siblings or family to take the strain -and , as with most traumatic life events , a lot of people prefer to keep their distance from the subject of illness and mortality so one can often find oneself with no support system. Up to 77% of carers become suicidal. The cocktail of fear, exhaustion , anticipatory grief and loneliness is hard to bear. Please see the link in my bio and try to remember to care for the caregivers . It is a privilege to care , but it is alot of other things too and it’s ok to say so. For anyone out there struggling , I send my love and support. This is so hard .

Gearing up for Father’s Day with @endrystymest and @davidbowie 🖤

So many true Queens- it’s lucky I was taught how to curtsey in the Brownies in 1857👑👑👑👑✨✨✨✨✨#6thChiswickpack #allstars10 #paramountplus 🏁

It’s Mother’s Day . Feel how you feel . Love to everyone x

Ready, set, slay!💅It’s@rupaulsdragrace like you’venever seen it - #AllStars10 starts streaming MAY 9 on @paramountplus 🏁 and I’m guest judging wheeeee👑👑👑👑👑

Happy birthday Roy. Given I’ve been waiting all day-can you rise again please -ideally tomorrow …that would be great. You being dead is really fucking wearing now. I love you so very much and I wish you had been here to have your birthday and Easter on the same day but anyway -see you tomorrow. I shall be waiting at the mouth of the cave.